It’s Very Simple: I Need a Clone

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You guys, there’s no way around it: I have to clone myself. It’s the only possible way that I can do all the things I need to do, including work stuff, kid stuff, home stuff, and maintaining-my-corporeal-form stuff.

That last one is a time-suck, let me tell you. It’s because I have failed to be eaten by a tiger thus far, and so my body is aging. I just had to have a hip replaced. Once you get to swapping out major body parts, you’re into a serious time commitment.

My hip replacement required:

• Two weeks of total downtime (for me)

• One week of PTO and one week of working from home (for my husband)

• Many visits from my mom and friends, who cooked, checked up on me, and made sure my daughter got off the bus

• Multiple pre-op and post-op checkups, lab appointments, and meetings with physical therapy, etc.

• Ongoing rest, stretching, and silly little exercises that are really cutting into my Me Time

But listen, even if you don’t need a hip replacement – heck, even if you’re YOUNG – being a parent takes more time than human beings are allowed in late-stage capitalism. If you, your children, and your various spouses and support persons all have hair, teeth, and bodies, you’re looking at a lot of appointments. Staying alive and presentable takes a lot of time and money, and no one has any of either.

So: cloning. It’s the only answer, friends. Remember that I said that so that the next time you run into me and I seem distracted, you’ll know to blame it on my clone. (I never claimed the technology would be perfect. Good enough is just fine at our house, whether we’re talking about scientific breakthroughs or sandwiches.)

Option B: universal basic income. I’m also totally prepared to accept this answer, especially if AI puts me out of a job.

What I’m saying is, if technology is going to be the problem, then it also should be the solution. Now, you may counter that we can’t actually make clones yet, but that only feeds my determination. Five years ago, no one thought a computer could do my job, and now Bill Gates can’t wait to tell me that my entire career is about to be obsolete.

I’m an optimistic person at heart. If we have the means to destroy the world, I have to believe that we also have the means to save it. Let’s start with clones. Clones for Working Parents Party 2025. Finally, a movement parents can all get behind.